So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He shit in the fireplace
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