My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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