the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
