You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
COCAINE IS GR8
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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