sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
