Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Need sex. Gaining weight.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
