I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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