Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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