the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
