Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
