I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
my being single is dangerous.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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