I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
