He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
