Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
