It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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