I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
My vagina is very pro this idea
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
