My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
