So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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