I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
