So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
