So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
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