oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
