Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
