is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
