Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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