she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
