i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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