So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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