before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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