I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
