Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
