I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
