i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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