I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
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