a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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