she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
