i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
you had me at cake vodka
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
