I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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