Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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