I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Sober January is a disaster.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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