I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
