dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
