i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
