I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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