There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
