My room smells like vodka and shame
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
