I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I could fuck to npr.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
