No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
