btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
