If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
