I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
