my phone needs a breathalizer
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
