you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
